Saturday, June 10, 2006

Analyze this

By: Fritz_Gerlich

In this dream, I am a woman. No particular woman; I don't know my name, my age, or what I look like. But I am definitely female. I feel female, which feels different from being male. Don't know how else to explain it.

I'm embracing another woman. Initially, I can't see her, don't know what she looks like, although I have the impression she is young. If I were a man in the dream, I would be acutely conscious of her body, but as a woman I'm not. I'm conscious of her self, of her being there, so to speak. Don't know how else to explain it.

Our embrace is not erotic, but it is emotionally intimate and intensely satisfying. I have a powerful sensation that we have, against all odds, discovered each other. It's the feeling of relief and wonder as when you learn that someone else is as intoxicated with you as you are with him/her. But, again, in this dream the emphasis is not on physical intimacy. It is more that from now on we will love each other, trust each other, have each other, no matter what happens. The peace and joy of that thought pass through me like a gentle wave.

We break off the embrace and I hold her at arm's length and look at her. She is young, no older than her twenties. I know from the protective way I feel toward her that I'm older, but nothing more specific than that. I don't have a terribly distinct recollection of what she looks like, except that she has dark hair. In this dream, she would be overpowering to me no matter what she looked like. I have tears in my eyes, as she does. She looks down and sniffles, seeming overwhelmed.

She asks something like, "Is this it, then?" I say: "It is, but there's one more thing we have to do." From here the dream takes on an, um, dreamlike quality. That sounds strange, I know. Up to this point, the dream has been quite naturalistic. Now it becomes ritualistic. Something of great importance must be done. I don't know in advance what I'm going to do or why, but I act, nonetheless, with complete certainty and precision.

I take out an oversized safety pin. I mean, this sucker is a good eight inches long. I unclasp it and carefully thrust the point through the outside of my right cheek, near my mouth, and then out my mouth. I know in advance that it will not hurt, nor will I bleed, because this is not the first time I've done this. That is, I know that it hurts the first time you do it, but not thereafter.

I also know that she has never done it, so it will hurt her. Nonetheless, it must be done. I slip my left hand behind her head and draw her mouth to mine. Then I work the point of the pin between her lips, turn it, and thrust it firmly through her cheek, after which I somehow manage to close the pin with one hand. We are now literally safety-pinned into a kiss.

It does hurt her. I can taste her blood, and her tears wet my cheeks. But she doesn't struggle, and I stroke her hair comfortingly. I know the pain will not last.

Suddenly, we fuse together in a kind of white-hot joy. Every barrier is swept away. Our bodies don't exist any more. We know each other's thoughts and feelings in a way impossible in life. But such revelation, far from diminishing either of us to the other, makes us appear to each other as having almost infinite proportions. I know nothing specific or limited about her, because I now know her in a way that goes beyond specificity and limitation. Moreover, I can literally feel her knowing me in the same way. It's like an infinity of mirrors, my joy beholding hers beholding mine beholding hers, and so on. It is as if we know each other at the level of being itself, and understand for the first time that being is miracle. Don't know how else to put it.

I wake up, gasping. The dream haunts me for the rest of the day. I can still feel it.